The Need for Closure

I may have mentioned before that I believe I have grown since I started my meditation and yoga practice. I can't say for sure if it's a result of the practice, or if it is a product of the same awareness that led me to experiment with yoga and meditation, but I really think I can see progress. One area in which I've become aware of this progress within the past week is in my desire for closure of difficult situations.

I've always felt a really strong need to have closure. Even in high school, when things went awry with boys I just couldn't let go without having some sort of firm closure. I wanted to talk about it. I wanted him to tell me that he was done. I couldn't just accept that he wasn't returning my phone calls and move on; I would let my own anxiety build up around it and keep pushing him until I got what I needed. But why did I need closure if I already sort of knew? I think it's because it's an uncomfortable situation. Instead of just accepting the discomfort of not really knowing what happened, I felt like I had to do something to help relieve those feelings of unease.

It wasn't just high school, though. I know I've continued to seek closure in similar situations throughout my adult life. If a problem arises I want to deal with it right then. I am uncomfortable with sitting with the pain for a while before exploring it. This past week Stan and I entered into an uncomfortable conversation, and, for the first time that I can remember, when he asked that we put it on hold until a later time, I was able to do it. It's been a few days and we still haven't finished that conversation and I'm doing fine. Again, it's hard to say for sure, but I think that if this had happened a few months ago I would have felt a very strong need to talk through everything and end the discomfort as quickly as possible. I am amazed by this, by the fact that I can see changes in myself even though it hasn't even been two months that I've been working with my consciousness.