The Need for Closure

I may have mentioned before that I believe I have grown since I started my meditation and yoga practice. I can't say for sure if it's a result of the practice, or if it is a product of the same awareness that led me to experiment with yoga and meditation, but I really think I can see progress. One area in which I've become aware of this progress within the past week is in my desire for closure of difficult situations.

I've always felt a really strong need to have closure. Even in high school, when things went awry with boys I just couldn't let go without having some sort of firm closure. I wanted to talk about it. I wanted him to tell me that he was done. I couldn't just accept that he wasn't returning my phone calls and move on; I would let my own anxiety build up around it and keep pushing him until I got what I needed. But why did I need closure if I already sort of knew? I think it's because it's an uncomfortable situation. Instead of just accepting the discomfort of not really knowing what happened, I felt like I had to do something to help relieve those feelings of unease.

It wasn't just high school, though. I know I've continued to seek closure in similar situations throughout my adult life. If a problem arises I want to deal with it right then. I am uncomfortable with sitting with the pain for a while before exploring it. This past week Stan and I entered into an uncomfortable conversation, and, for the first time that I can remember, when he asked that we put it on hold until a later time, I was able to do it. It's been a few days and we still haven't finished that conversation and I'm doing fine. Again, it's hard to say for sure, but I think that if this had happened a few months ago I would have felt a very strong need to talk through everything and end the discomfort as quickly as possible. I am amazed by this, by the fact that I can see changes in myself even though it hasn't even been two months that I've been working with my consciousness.

First Day of School

I can feel sleep creeping up on me, but I'm writing anyway because I haven't been writing enough lately. I've been doing yoga, exploring the city and taking the time to just be with my friends, but I haven't been writing. Reading a little, but no writing.

I don't have the energy to tackle any more of South America right now, but that doesn't mean I have to avoid this space. That's something I struggle with remembering.

You may or may not remember that I am the archivist for a small private school in Houston. Then again, I may not have actually mentioned it before (and who reads this anyway?). This school year feels promising. I'm taking on yoga and meditation and, hopefully, reinvesting myself in climbing. I hope to keep up with my crafts; I want to make a hammock to hang in my room (they're expensive to buy!) and I think I might knit some of my Christmas presents. My main goal for this year, though, is to live mindfully and, fingers crossed, frugally. The mindful part is for my own personal growth, the frugal part is so that I can feed as much money as possible back into my loans so that I can take a financial fall in the future if I have to.

I want to hear from other people who are just delving into yoga and meditation. I'm not so interested in the folks who just do yoga for exercise, even though I'm sure they get plenty out of it. I want to talk to people who feel like yoga/meditation has impacted their lives. I still think it's early to say for sure, but I'm noticing slight shifts in my consciousness and they way I face the world. I'm not sure if this is a result of my yoga/meditation practice, or if it has more to do with the impulse that drove me to meditation and yoga in the first place. It would be nice to hear what other people are experiencing.