Monday, August 31, 2009
A promise to myself
I write tonight in the form of a small promise. I promise that tomorrow I will take time to meditate as soon as I get home from work and see if it has an impact on my energy level. I promise that, after that and before yoga, I will work on cleaning my apartment.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
The Need for Closure
I may have mentioned before that I believe I have grown since I started my meditation and yoga practice. I can't say for sure if it's a result of the practice, or if it is a product of the same awareness that led me to experiment with yoga and meditation, but I really think I can see progress. One area in which I've become aware of this progress within the past week is in my desire for closure of difficult situations.
I've always felt a really strong need to have closure. Even in high school, when things went awry with boys I just couldn't let go without having some sort of firm closure. I wanted to talk about it. I wanted him to tell me that he was done. I couldn't just accept that he wasn't returning my phone calls and move on; I would let my own anxiety build up around it and keep pushing him until I got what I needed. But why did I need closure if I already sort of knew? I think it's because it's an uncomfortable situation. Instead of just accepting the discomfort of not really knowing what happened, I felt like I had to do something to help relieve those feelings of unease.
It wasn't just high school, though. I know I've continued to seek closure in similar situations throughout my adult life. If a problem arises I want to deal with it right then. I am uncomfortable with sitting with the pain for a while before exploring it. This past week Stan and I entered into an uncomfortable conversation, and, for the first time that I can remember, when he asked that we put it on hold until a later time, I was able to do it. It's been a few days and we still haven't finished that conversation and I'm doing fine. Again, it's hard to say for sure, but I think that if this had happened a few months ago I would have felt a very strong need to talk through everything and end the discomfort as quickly as possible. I am amazed by this, by the fact that I can see changes in myself even though it hasn't even been two months that I've been working with my consciousness.
I've always felt a really strong need to have closure. Even in high school, when things went awry with boys I just couldn't let go without having some sort of firm closure. I wanted to talk about it. I wanted him to tell me that he was done. I couldn't just accept that he wasn't returning my phone calls and move on; I would let my own anxiety build up around it and keep pushing him until I got what I needed. But why did I need closure if I already sort of knew? I think it's because it's an uncomfortable situation. Instead of just accepting the discomfort of not really knowing what happened, I felt like I had to do something to help relieve those feelings of unease.
It wasn't just high school, though. I know I've continued to seek closure in similar situations throughout my adult life. If a problem arises I want to deal with it right then. I am uncomfortable with sitting with the pain for a while before exploring it. This past week Stan and I entered into an uncomfortable conversation, and, for the first time that I can remember, when he asked that we put it on hold until a later time, I was able to do it. It's been a few days and we still haven't finished that conversation and I'm doing fine. Again, it's hard to say for sure, but I think that if this had happened a few months ago I would have felt a very strong need to talk through everything and end the discomfort as quickly as possible. I am amazed by this, by the fact that I can see changes in myself even though it hasn't even been two months that I've been working with my consciousness.
Last night I dreamed about soccer games and tomboy stuff. I wonder if it was because we had a lot of discussions about gender neutrality at the women's potluck I attended last night. Either way, I know there were some nightmares mixed in too, but this is the first time in a while that I've remembered the good dreams and not the bad. I've been waking up so frequently with dreamscapes of betrayal and loss still lingering, it makes me feel like something is shifting.
After hearing all of the parents talking last night, I think if I ever get pregnant I will resist knowing the sex of the baby ahead of time. That way any gifts will have to be thought out and gender-neutral. At least the kid would have a clean start before being flooded with princesses and ponies or footballs and action heroes. I might be too anxious about it, or maybe my partner would be, but I really like the idea.
After hearing all of the parents talking last night, I think if I ever get pregnant I will resist knowing the sex of the baby ahead of time. That way any gifts will have to be thought out and gender-neutral. At least the kid would have a clean start before being flooded with princesses and ponies or footballs and action heroes. I might be too anxious about it, or maybe my partner would be, but I really like the idea.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
First Day of School
I can feel sleep creeping up on me, but I'm writing anyway because I haven't been writing enough lately. I've been doing yoga, exploring the city and taking the time to just be with my friends, but I haven't been writing. Reading a little, but no writing.
I don't have the energy to tackle any more of South America right now, but that doesn't mean I have to avoid this space. That's something I struggle with remembering.
You may or may not remember that I am the archivist for a small private school in Houston. Then again, I may not have actually mentioned it before (and who reads this anyway?). This school year feels promising. I'm taking on yoga and meditation and, hopefully, reinvesting myself in climbing. I hope to keep up with my crafts; I want to make a hammock to hang in my room (they're expensive to buy!) and I think I might knit some of my Christmas presents. My main goal for this year, though, is to live mindfully and, fingers crossed, frugally. The mindful part is for my own personal growth, the frugal part is so that I can feed as much money as possible back into my loans so that I can take a financial fall in the future if I have to.
I want to hear from other people who are just delving into yoga and meditation. I'm not so interested in the folks who just do yoga for exercise, even though I'm sure they get plenty out of it. I want to talk to people who feel like yoga/meditation has impacted their lives. I still think it's early to say for sure, but I'm noticing slight shifts in my consciousness and they way I face the world. I'm not sure if this is a result of my yoga/meditation practice, or if it has more to do with the impulse that drove me to meditation and yoga in the first place. It would be nice to hear what other people are experiencing.
I don't have the energy to tackle any more of South America right now, but that doesn't mean I have to avoid this space. That's something I struggle with remembering.
You may or may not remember that I am the archivist for a small private school in Houston. Then again, I may not have actually mentioned it before (and who reads this anyway?). This school year feels promising. I'm taking on yoga and meditation and, hopefully, reinvesting myself in climbing. I hope to keep up with my crafts; I want to make a hammock to hang in my room (they're expensive to buy!) and I think I might knit some of my Christmas presents. My main goal for this year, though, is to live mindfully and, fingers crossed, frugally. The mindful part is for my own personal growth, the frugal part is so that I can feed as much money as possible back into my loans so that I can take a financial fall in the future if I have to.
I want to hear from other people who are just delving into yoga and meditation. I'm not so interested in the folks who just do yoga for exercise, even though I'm sure they get plenty out of it. I want to talk to people who feel like yoga/meditation has impacted their lives. I still think it's early to say for sure, but I'm noticing slight shifts in my consciousness and they way I face the world. I'm not sure if this is a result of my yoga/meditation practice, or if it has more to do with the impulse that drove me to meditation and yoga in the first place. It would be nice to hear what other people are experiencing.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Cotopaxi
I took a little break from writing anything after coming home from Phoenix. Partly because I was pissed off that I deleted this whole blog, partly because I was attempting (unsuccessfully) to finish some work related things. Plus I was still adjusting to having completely open and unstructured days, a freedom which I will be losing all too soon.
So, back to Ecuador. After a few days in Quito we decided we needed to remove ourselves from the city as much as possible. So we headed to Secret Garden Cotopaxi. Cotopaxi is a volcano, the peak of which is supposedly the closest point on earth to the sun. We had the option of going up the volcano, but we opted for horseback riding instead.
The hostel was so far removed from everything, it was wonderful. There was no electricity, and they grew much of their own food. Everyone ate together around a long table, and hung out around the fireplace at night. The private rooms were more like two story cabins with wood burning stoves and bathrooms downstairs and a bedroom upstairs with a window looking out to the volcano. It was surrounded by lush rolling pastures bordered by the mountains, there were lots of animals (the dogs were great) and we saw rainbows every day.
As I said, we skipped out on going to Cotopaxi. We also chose not to do the canopy zip line or the mountain bike trip. We did do a lot of hikes on our own (including a crazy one up a creek bed to a small waterfall), and did a half day trail ride up one of the mountains, into the clouds.
One of the best things about the Secret Garden hostels was that we met so many people who would somehow factor into our trip further down the line. A lot of people who were staying at Cotopaxi had been in Quito with us, and many of them would follow the same path down through Ecuador.
So, back to Ecuador. After a few days in Quito we decided we needed to remove ourselves from the city as much as possible. So we headed to Secret Garden Cotopaxi. Cotopaxi is a volcano, the peak of which is supposedly the closest point on earth to the sun. We had the option of going up the volcano, but we opted for horseback riding instead.
The hostel was so far removed from everything, it was wonderful. There was no electricity, and they grew much of their own food. Everyone ate together around a long table, and hung out around the fireplace at night. The private rooms were more like two story cabins with wood burning stoves and bathrooms downstairs and a bedroom upstairs with a window looking out to the volcano. It was surrounded by lush rolling pastures bordered by the mountains, there were lots of animals (the dogs were great) and we saw rainbows every day.
As I said, we skipped out on going to Cotopaxi. We also chose not to do the canopy zip line or the mountain bike trip. We did do a lot of hikes on our own (including a crazy one up a creek bed to a small waterfall), and did a half day trail ride up one of the mountains, into the clouds.
One of the best things about the Secret Garden hostels was that we met so many people who would somehow factor into our trip further down the line. A lot of people who were staying at Cotopaxi had been in Quito with us, and many of them would follow the same path down through Ecuador.
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